Moving on up...

So it's been awhile- as it usually is.  I may be the worst person at successfully updating a blog.  I could go on with a list of reasons- the amount I work, the lack of time, comic books, the economy, but quite frankly, I typically only update a dating blog when I have something to say about dating.  Makes sense, yeah? 

Well..I don't want to brag or boast but I am hands down in the best, healthiest relationship of my adult life.  5 months in and going strong.  Wait..what?  Only 5 months? You mean I haven't known this guy forever? Cause sometimes it feels that way- in the good way, not the bad. Again, not bragging but we just fit together.  

So, the day came when I looked at him and said "you know that place you pay rent at and are never there cause you are always at my place?" He said "yeah", so I, being the ever so bold lady I've come to be known as, say "why not just stay with me and pay part of the rent there?"

Whoa.  Bold choices. Yes, on August 1st, The Protector will be moving into the humble abode that I share with my best buddy. I've told my mom, and select friends.  The way I look at it, when there are no red flags, when we see each other everyday and still don't want to take a chainsaw to one another and still smile when we look at each other, it's something good. 

And I don't even own a chainsaw. So, we good :) 

Meet the Parents- Protector Style.

So, even though it is early into my new love affair with The Protector, I took a huge step.

A few weeks ago, I said something I haven't said for 8 years...

"I'm going to meet my boyfriends parents today."

The last time I met parents, it was my exhusbands parents and that was at least 8 years ago.  I remember it well.. we were sitting in his basement watching a movie, and his mom walked in the room and he said "Mom, this is Lish.".  Thats it.  She seemed on the fence about me, until about the time that we got serious (and by serious I mean talking about getting engaged) and then she adored me.. until we split up and she got all "take that bitch for everything shes got"- you know, like my used sofa and $100 tv.

My 'relationships' in the past year and a half have been fleeting, so its never come to this step, and the only one guy I would have considered a boyfriend..well his mother seemed less than impressed that he decided to date a girl who lived 4 hours away, covered in tattoos and I was less than impressed with her attitude and kinda never wanted to meet her, no matter how hard it was pushed. 

Everything with The Protector is different.  I was a ball full of nerves, only made more so when I realized I'd be meeting his younger sister as well.  And even more so when I found out his aunt and her boyfriend would be there.   I went from casually saying 'hi' to a boyfriends mom almost a decade ago, to having an acutal sit down dinner with family with this guy. 

The scariest part of all?  They all LOVED me.  They had smart, polite questions about my tattoos, and we actually had real life conversation.  They didn't judge me or look down on me or treat me like I was this horrible, negative infulence on their son. 

Ok, I get it may sound crazy, but I've never done well with parents before.. and that was long before I was heavily tattooed, and after the critisizm that Lawyer Mans (previously referred to as Sir Hustler) mother had about me, sight unseen, it was even more nerve inducing then I would have thought.  But, The Protector is good people, and he comes from a line of good people, it would seem.   People that love and enjoy art and actually (gasp) get to know someone before forming an opinion of them.  I felt very welcomed in what would normally be a very uncomfortable situation for me- and it was lovely.

So, thats why in a month and a halfs time, I agreed to go to his sisters wedding with him.. in Wiscoinsin.  Surrounded by family, in a sleeveless dress with tattoos shown to the world (and covered in sunscreen, of course). 

The Peter Man

Sometimes, I'm lucky in love... But mostly, it's a little painful.

Before I met The Protector, I had a few dates or...encounters...with a fella I met off of the same dating website. We had looked at each others profile, and he has tattoos and the appropriate amount of facial hair for me to be intrigued, so we sent a few messages back and forth and started texting.

You know how after a situation arises, you start noticing all of these little red flags you should have picked up on earlier? That about sums this up. He actually cancelled our first date a few days prior, which didn't sit very well with me. It wasn't an emergent situation or anything- but, as I typically do, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Also, he referred to his penis as his 'Peter' which, 1- why is he telling me about his 'Peter' anyways? And 2- a Peter? Are his balls 'Paul' and 'Mary'? Who the hell says that? And, 3- the big one..I am by no means the most educated person I know- but I do think I'm smart, and in most situations, I come across that way. However, I chose to ignore the double negatives, misuse of words, and misspellings that littered our text messages, thinking (hoping) that he was more well spoken face to face.

The first date went..ok.  We had enough to talk about but I noticed a lot of ..differences..

1- I am tattooed because I enjoy art, and tattoos are a beautiful art form.  I am not tattooed because I like the attention or because I like to be considered 'weird' or 'different'.  Peter Man is very into having a certain 'image' about him.. which also crosses over into point 2

2- Peter Man likes to say what he likes to say.. whenever he likes to say it.  The poor waitress at the Thai restaurant was so off put by the use of the word 'fuck' when he said it.  Most people would say 'excuse me' and refrain from using it.. not to mention he speaks VERY LOUDLY.  I was uncomfortable because I'm not a rebellious teenager anymore- I'm an adult and love being viewed as such.  As a professional, I never know who my next client could be, so I try to carry myself professionally at all times.  This isn't really a factor in Peter Mans life.

Ok, so the end of the date comes about, and here we are.  Its always the awkward moment of what is going to happen.  We are back at the coffee place, and he says "I hate to cut this short, cause I'm having a great time, but I gotta get home".  We head outside and continue chatting by the door, because its raining outside and as I'm in the middle of a sentence, he says 'ok, gotta go.. bye', leans in for an awkward hug and runs to his car.

..really?  that's how you end a date, country boy?   I mean, I'm cool with the no kiss, because even though we had a good time, I had plenty of reservations about this guy who spoke like the neighbor from Office Space (hence the nickname, Peter Man), but to not even walk me to my car in the rain? Holy rudeness, Batman!

In conclusion, we had 2 more dates after this, and I ended up telling him that we view life too differently for anything more than friendship.  We talk once in a great while about tattoos or something of the sort, but the general consensus between my friends and I is that he dashed on the first date because he had to poop and he didn't want to tell me. 

Luck of the Irish..for sure.

So, today has me reflecting quite a bit- technically, the past few days have me reflecting. More than ever.

I should backtrack about a month and a half, to when something amazing and wonderful- and, clearly, unexpected happened. My bitter, cynical ass actually had a good date. An amazing date..my first date with my new boyfriend. Yes, I am coupled or 'booed up', as a coworker of mine likes to put it.

I was at a pissed off place where everyone I was meeting was incredibly dull..thank you, online dating. I had pretty much decided to give up for awhile and had noticed a guy I had talked to a few times visited my profile, so I sent a random message bashing online dating to him and he responded..and text..and dates...and awesomeness.

Enter...The Protector..aka Mr Wonderful, aka Winky (mind out of the gutter-he winks at me..in an adorable, non creepy way). There are so many ways for people to connect...emotionally, physically, mentally, intellectually..and when you hit all of those marks with someone, it is such an amazing and beautiful thing..but now I'm just gushing, so back to the task at hand.

My mind was weighed down by a failure from my past for quite awhile- a failure that ended 1 year ago today. I've mentioned this briefly, with 'the one who got (went) away', but it was just too painful to go into detail about,
and still is to a degree.

I fell way too hard for the first guy that I started to see after my split with the ex husband- I never considered it a 'rebound', but maybe he did. It was an off and on again (then off...then on...then off...then on) 'romance' that, in hindsight, I've always wondered how much of it was real, and how much of it was fabricated in my head at the time. I have come to realize from more then just MY personal experience, that said person (Mister Marvelous aka Marv) is really just a bad person. That I was a strong woman in a delicate place, and regardless of the feels, if they were real or fake on either side, and he quite possibly was just taking advantage, or building his ego.

A year ago, he sent me a text hoping to end it all with me, and I refused to be dismissed by text yet again from him. I said that if he wanted to end it, he had to man up and do it in person- that I at least deserved that much respect. On St. Patty's Day he did. He has continued to be in my life, in a much more minor way but I always pined, and always wondered about what could have been...until recently.

The day, the moment escapes me. But one day, I woke up..and then I woke up. I painfully replayed the events of this entire 'relationship'(very loosely using that word here) and realized that he is a very, very bad person. And that I was treated very poorly. I've learned from my past and I never want to play the role of the victim. With most break ups, I have the mindset of 'it just didn't work out'. This is entirely different and maybe one day ill be ready to let loose a little bit more ..but for now I just realize the fact that I was done wrong and I have to stop beating myself up over the fact that I fell very hard for someone who was very, very bad to me and is just kind of a shitty human being.

So. A year ago today, I was in a very dark, sad place. I was actually numb for a few days, and probably drunk on sprite and hypnotic (it was a phase) and today, I woke up next to a very wonderful, Caring loving man who wants to be My Protector . Someone who, I never have to question his feelings or play the silly head games that Marv was throwing my way. Someone who accepts me as I am, with my past with my flaws, my faults, my talents, my sarcastic charm. I realize how lucky I am that I can have this, and that I can let go of the bullshit and the lies of my past and just really BE with someone.

And, not to gush again, I realize how insanely happy he makes me and how you can be as marvelous as you think you are, but sometimes, all a lady wants is to feel protected..and being protected can be such a wonderful thing

Mr. No-Spark

So, I briefly touched on this guy with my last blog, but wanted to go a little more into detail, without boring you to death, cause, quite frankly, its a boring story.

I met this guy online (online dating..ftw?) and he seemed nice and we have common interests and OKCupid seemed to think that I would dig him so I tried to. I should have had a bad feeling about this when he messaged me one night when he was really drunk and was a bit obnoxious, but if anyone knows what its like to have obnoxious drunk fun, its this girl so I let it slide.

Key Points for date 1:

• He seemed nervous the moment he saw me, not just a little 'first date nerves' but like super shaky and nervous.
• We went to a nice restaurant, but 90% of the wait staff stopped to talk to me, particularly to comment (positively, mind you) on my tattoos, and this seemed to make him a bit uncomfortable. I tend to get some attention from people when I'm out, and I've grown ok with this. I'm polite and informative.
• I carried the entire conversation through dinner. He seemed to have nothing to say unless I asked him a question.
• We sat through a 3 hour movie, in which he tried to put his arm around me. Kinda familiar for someone who can't really form his half of a conversation around me, but ok.
• The dreaded end of the night- he goes in for a kiss, to which I offer my cheek and only my cheek.

So, I kind of refuse to have a 'bad date'. I mean, most of the time, I'm at least getting a free meal out of it and I don't have a ton of free time so I may as well make the most of it, right? I'm not saying I had a BAD TIME. Hes very nice. but that's is.
At work, everyone asked how my date was. I responded with "he's very nice". they said "ohhh..that bad?". that's just how it goes.. at least maybe for me, I just don't have the chemistry I need when I come across these super nice, super laid back guys.

So, Mr No-Spark and I continue texting for a bit after said date, and when he asks me out again, I agree because I'm hoping maybe it was just nerves or something. He was really complimentary of me between dates, which was sweet, so whats the harm in seeing what happens?

Key Points for date 2:

• It was the same as date 1.

Ok, well it wasn't exactly the same.. we talked shit on kids more, and I got a little more drunk, but If I don't feel it after 2 glasses of wine, there is nothing there to feel. The movie was worse this time around, and I was hoping he was realizing there wasn't this deep emotional connection coming from my side of the equation. But sometimes, men just don't get the hint, and when he leaned in to kiss me, it was insanely awkward. Insanely.

He continues to text me and want to see me again, and I am TERRIBLE at breaking things off. I realize its not going to happen, but I don't want to be mean to a nice guy, so I essentially bring up the fact that hes so nervous around me and that for a guy to be with a girl like me he needs to have a bit confidence then that and he takes the hint and backs off.

See.. I warned you it was boring but sometimes that's what dating is- boring. I think I had luck early on with dating- no everything didn't go magically wonderful, but there was sparks and chemistry flying around so that made it fun. I need the fun, the magic, the anticipation for a text. Those things..so online dating... not FTW on this one.

Nice Guys Finish...Somewhere in the Middle (pt 1)

So this is more of a thought I've been having lately- after the 'string of 3'.

They say things happen in 3's so maybe its time to be more hopeful for my next round of suitors.  However, I've primarily been dating around since my recent relationship ended ( limited information will be included on this) and I've noticed a trend- nice guys.  Yeah, I know some of you believe they don't exist and the ones that DO exist will state that they indeed finish last as we have been told from the start.  All women claim they want the 'nice guy' or ..'why can't I just find a nice guy'?  Truth is, you do, probably more often then you care to realize because you are guilty (as well as I am) of casting them aside for various reasons.  My reason?  Chemistry. Sometimes...Sometimes its other things.

Some men work so hard to be nice, they are TOO nice.. to the point of being a push over, out to please everyone at once and they loose sight of what they actually want.  Its a fine line that men seem to need to walk of being a nice guy and an asshole. 

1 of 3- Sir Hustler
So, Sir Hustler and I dated for about 5 months, and it ended a bit more sour then I had hoped.  I really don't care to say anything in detail at this time, because its only been about a month since the break up, but regardless, he was a 'nice guy'.  When we talked, he even marketed himself as such to me. He did nice things for me, was supportive, and then. .I don't know.. maybe I'm a bitch, or maybe I just know what I want and what I can do and what I can't do.  It came to pass that I just saw a lot of personal differences between us, and the way we reacted to things.. it was sometimes big things, sometimes small things, but every time one of these differences presented itself, I knew in my head how I would have acted or reacted to it, and his reaction was EXACTLY the opposite of mine.  I know that I can be difficult- I can hold grudges and I can be downright mean.. but the thing about a person who knows what they want is they also tend to know what they DON'T want.  Maybe at some point, I'll explore this relationship in more detail, but in conclusion, it was never the fact that he wasn't 'nice' or pleasant, or fun to be around, its just that nice doesn't always cut it when I see that we handle things so differently, and in ways that I can't find in myself to live with.

2 of 3- Mr. No Spark
So this guy I met online asked me to go on a date, and I literally thought 'sure.. I  have nothing else on the agenda'.  So we went to dinner and a movie.  Really nice dinner, and went to see The Hobbit.  The problem is, through dinner, I carried the entire conversation.  He didn't have much to say unless prompted.  I could tell he was insanely nervous.  I have a certain..presence about me, I get that.  But I also try to make people feel comfortable around me.  So we had dinner, and then sat next to each other in silence through a 3 hour movie, and then at the end of the date, he leans in for the dreaded end of night kiss..to which he gets a cheek.  I felt no chemistry with this guy at all, and I was hoping it was just nerves so when he asked for a 2nd date, I agreed.  Again, he chose dinner and a movie.  Nice dinner, terrible movie, but again, no chemistry.  Again, this is a story I will add more to later, however for the time being,  I'm focusing on the fact that he was NICE.  He opened doors, he paid for dinners, movies, everything.. but there was no spark at all.

Before I begin part 3, which will now wait til the next time, I just wanted to clarify, even to myself- ladies, we need to quit complaining about the 'nice guys' and how they aren't there.  We need to be honest with ourselves sometimes and just say 'it didn't work..but he's nice'.  I'm far beyond the point where I'm going to sit around bashing my exes, especially the ones that are decent people when I know for a fact there are far worse men out there, and just say "sometimes, I prefer the asshole guys"... because sometimes we do.  Chemistry is a hard thing to fake, and a harder thing to find.  The perfect guy doesn't exist, I'm sure, but when you can find someone that makes the decisions you can live with, and the spark you so desire, and that what you want, go for it.  But don't bitch about the 'nice guys' and how they aren't out there- they are. They just may not be the one right for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Dating in the Digital Age

I haven't blogged in a really long time.  Not for lack of material but more for lack of motivation as well as lack of time to blog with. I'm sitting home on Sunday night bored, and I keep thinking of the things I've said, "wow.. I should blog about that", hence born the Sunday night blog.

Alright so this is more of a pet peeve then anything else when it comes to dating in the modern age.. or should I say.. the digital age?  I was out of the dating scene, thinking I had found endless marital bliss for around 7 years or so and when I reemrged, all be it much hotter then I had been years earlier, I had no idea what to expect. 

So first comes Mr. Marvelous and he and I dated off and on for 7 months and had 2 phone conversations, both around 2 minutes each.  We texted everyday, through out the day.

So then, when Marv and I were in down time, comes the previously written about Star Wars Tattoos (SWT) and I have no idea how long off and on that went.. too long would probably be the most acceptable answer.  He called me 1 time, and played Salt n Peppa's Push It into the phone..and never spoke. 

I know I have complained quite a few times about Zombie Tank and how he ONLY wanted to talk on the phone, I just feel there should be a medium.  You either seem to get these guys who refuse to learn how to text , or only text using the age old male line of "I just hate being on the phone".  I think I have a tendency to want to be in the middle.  Text, cause I'm busy, but set aside some phone time, cause texting seems so impersonal sometimes. 

There is the other issue about text only dating... which if your my mom stop reading now cause shit is about to get inappropriate...

Men think they can text you ANYthing..ANYtime.. My good friend P and I have discussed the inappropriateness of certain pictures coming to our cell phones (and in 1 case a freaking video).  People get shameless- I get that.  But when you leave your phone unattended at your desk, and come back and push a button to check the time and..oh .. hi there.  That happy to speak to..I mean text me?  I even got a montage once.  No.  Twice.  He didn't think I got it the first time.  No honey.. I didn't comment cause I was told if I didn't have anything nice to say then to keep my mouth shut and last I checked calling you trashy wasn't exactly nice. 

Then the world of online dating.  Oh brother.  I'm the first to admit its not the best idea to pick up a guy in a bar, not a great idea to date coworkers..so how does one exactly meet someone single and eligible of the opposite sex?  Well.. online of course.  I am actually banned from the dating site Plenty Of Fish.. I'm not quite sure why but the information sent to me was that I had a complaint filed on me.  True I met SWT there and he and I hated each other frequently and I couldn't help but notice he saw when I recreated my profile, and he quite possibly reported me.. or was it Over-reaction Guy (who I have yet to blog about) bitter that I chose someone else over him?? Or the overly sensitive Mr. Christian-pants saying he was lookin' for a good old fashioned Christian girl and I told him to keep looking?  Who knows.  I just know I'm blacklisted from there permanantly and they warned that IF I create a new account it will automatically get deleted no matter what email I make it under. 

Nice side story, I know.  Mind you, I'm not 100% against online dating.  I just think it can lead to a very vicious cycle.  And also... IF you online date, don't use photoshop unless you are adjusting the lighting, or fixing red eye, or possibly removing a zit.  If you are a 400 lb man with only 1 arm, I'm gonna notice that when I meet you.  We only like to post the most flattering pictures of ourself, I get that.  I mean, put up a few of the best and a few mediocre.  The 'muppet master' met a girl on POF and he said that not only was she annoying and boring (something not as easily conveyed by text as it would have been over the phone, mind you) but she looked NOTHING like her pictures.  How the hell does that happen?  I'm the queen of looking diffrent from day to day, but you'll still see all kinds of pictures of me- with make up, without; in dresses, in sweats.  It goes on...

I swear that sometimes it was easier sitting by the phone waiting for a guy to call or not call.  Because then I had the option.  And I could always hang up on him.  Sure I can delete a text from my phone, but not my memory.  And when you REALLLY REALLY want him to text, you know you check your phone a million times a minute.  I swear, when Marv and I were dating, I have no idea how I got any work done...ever. I sat with my finger posed about the 'reply to text' button on my phone. (that just cries desperation, but hey I was into the guy)

Technology makes meeting, and connecting so much easier.  It just makes me wonder how much we meet the people we WANT to meet or just the ones who are convienent for us to meet.  It makes me wonder how much we really connect when we have to read that someone 'lold' rather then just hear them laugh once in awhile.

Breath of Death

So, this one night I was out at a very crowded bar and I'm not ashamed to say I was quite a few drinks in. What happens when you mix liquer, beer, me, and a cute bearded guy walking by? Thats right..random beard grab.

I'm at the bar waiting on one of my many drinks and this guy comes by with a beard, not really an epic beard but a good enough beard. I just reach over and stroke this guys beard- out of nowhere. We get to talking a little bit, exchange numbers and he leans in to give me a kiss on the cheek, and then it hits me... his breath. Oh dear god his breath.

Ok, I'm being a little dramatic because on that first night, it really wasn't that strong, and for all I knew it could have been anything because I was hammered. Thats why when he texted me at some later point in time and asked me out on a date, I accepted. Physically, his sense of humor, his tastes in music- he was pretty much my type. He was also from the south, which I'd never gone out with a southerner before so I figured it could end up being a fun experience.

False.

He came to pick me up in a dirty truck, about an hour late, and we went to a bar around the corner from my house. Its more of a dive bar (dive TOWN, to be more precise), and we sit and talk for a bit and have a few beers. Its not very loud in the bar so we aren't very close when talking, so it wasn't until after I kicked his ass in a game of pool (naturally) and we went back to my place to watch a movie that he tried to kiss me... and thats when it ACTUALLY did hit me and I had a flash back from the night we met... it wasn't alcohol.. it wasn't a sewer.. that stank was commin' straight from his grill and he was trying to put it in mine. I pulled back and continued to watch the movie, not wanting to be a total dick and be like "homeboy needs a mint". I figured we could pull of 20 more minutes of him and I hanging out, breathing in opposite directions and then I'd pull the whole "its late and I have to work early" line.

 I'm an honest person, but this is one subject I'm not real clear what the etiquette is on approaching this subject, espically on a first date. Could it possibly be this easy? No ... guess a slight taste was not enough because he contiunes to push- he keeps trying to kiss me, and..well.. more even though I'm like 'hey I'm not like that' (usually).. so strike 2, as if the Breath of Death wasn't enough, he's overly pushy about sex. The 20 minutes I was gonna wait to get 'tired'? Turned into 10. I politely excused myself for bed and saw him to the door.

Could I be lucky enough that this is my only encounter with this guy?

Wait and see..

In A Galaxy Far Far Away...(pt 1)

This shit is about to get epic up in there.

This is the long awaited story...of a man.. in a galaxy far far away... with Star Wars Tattoos.

Ok, for real though, he does live like a half hour away but when communication is lacking, and hes kind of a ho' it really does feel like its a galaxy far far away and sometimes the only thing that can pull you away is the force.

Soon after splitting with my husband, I decided to enter the world of online dating. Plentyoffish.com- and this is not a recommendation, which we will find out later why. I see this guy with a beautiful full beard and in his online profile it says that all the tattoos on his right arm are Star Wars Oriented. Ok, so if we know me, we know I love beards, Star Wars, and tattoos, so I very quickly mark him as a 'favorite' which prompts him to send me a message.. and then his phone number. Which leads to us texting for a few hours... and meeting the next day.

Again, if we know me, we know I move fast from time to time. And the Star Wars Tattoos and I did move very fast- 'nuff said, right? We don't need all the gory details, but I felt a pretty decent connection with this guy right off the bat. I even went up the next weekend and hung out with him, Saturday night into Sunday. I noticed a funny thing he kept saying after most conversations we had. He would mention a girls name, tell a story and then inevitably say "and then I fucked her". umm.. what? So your trying to get to know me, possibly date me, and you want to tell me about all these girls you slept with.

So on my way home Sunday, he and I were texting a little bit and I said "you don't really seem like a one woman kind of guy" and he goes into a very long explanation of how yes he slept with these girls and that if it was something bad he wouldn't have told me about it, how he would have tried to hide it.

This Star Wars saga has more then 6 tales to it, unfortunately, so I will have to tell them slowly, bit by bit. I wanted to just start off with a little taste to show you what we are up against here. Look forward to many more, and much better stories about this one to come in the near future.

Happy Valentines Day, Loser!

Isn't it customary for a single person to complain about being single on Valentines Day?

Here is my custom then.

I actually got way too involved in everything else in my life to really think about the Hallmark Holiday today. I've been sick for almost 2 weeks, so I was at the Doctors Office today. I invested my energy otherwise in quitting smoking and getting prescriptions and catching up with a friend rather then dwelling on the fact that I had to feel good or bad about today.

The only thing that really occurred to me was the fact that its just a normal day to me and there was nothing special about it. D and I had this amazing evening planned where we got trashed and made fun of couples but I am neither in the health or have the funding to do this, so it really is just a normal Tuesday, other then the fact that my health sucks and Human Centipede 2 came out on DVD. I didn't get flowers today, but I never get flowers. I didn't get a card today, but I don't usually get cards. I didn't get candy today, but my mom bought me candy this past weekend since I was sick. For the first time, other then the annoying Facebook posts about what day it was, it was just a normal fucking day. For some reason, I found this amazing.

I have to say, a few things did cross my mind and maybe they always do and I just acknowledged them more due to the date. I recall getting flowers for Valentines Day, back when I had a someone special. I recall getting my heart broken several, several times in the past few weeks, months, years, and how each one of them felt, painful but completely different every time. I recall the single Valentines days of the past and how I wanted nothing more then to not be alone, and the fact that today I didn't really mind it quite so much because I have people who care about me, even if they aren't a boyfriend or a husband.

I know, we get a little serious, we get a little cheesy and I do plan to follow this up with a more lighthearted blog about a douche lord I dated, but for now I will just rejoice in the fact that its Valentines Day, I'm single and I don't want to kill myself.

Men In Song

One day at work, I said to my friend and coworker "Yeah I'm not sure how its going with him. I never do. Dude is like a fucking Katy Perry song- hot and cold." Since this day, not only have I cursed Katy Perry every time I hear her on the radio, but I find myself constantly making comparisons from men to recording artists that sum up best the way they act.

The man that makes me curse Katy Perry day in and day out is no longer a factor (blog coming soon). But there are plenty more. It starts as just one song, and then you find more that just describe you you feel, how they feel, or how they are making you feel @ that point in time. We have Katy Perry and Wilco for starters.

Wilco came about from no other conclusion then me thinking that someone is trying to break my heart- no, I'm not going into sob story mode here. I just think its an adequate description.

This is a theory I plan to put out there from time to time, and I'll connect the dots one by one.

One thing I do know is this crazy little thing called dating is rougher then I could have ever expected.

ZombieTank- Part 4

So the Zombietank stories keep on commin'.

I kinda stock piled this one for a slow night, and here it is.

One Wednesday, I was working at the bar and guess who showed up? Our favorite, Mr. Zombietank himself. It was me, him and 3 of the guys I work with there, and Zombie Land was on TV (how fitting). For the first 2 hours, he decided to further discuss the idea of a Zombie Tank and how it would definitely be the best idea. Mind you, he is also in NYC in this scenario (you know, where tanks are parked on every corner) and NOW he is saying how he is using this to get out of this city, and that is all. I bring up all the scenarios, and also the fact that he's so concerned with finding a tank in a city he doesn't even live in, or appear to visit very often, he forgets about the surrounding zombie apocalypse, and gets eaten. I think he and the guys I work with are teaming up to piss me off about this issue. I went back over to the bar and watched the movie, trying to block these idiots out with their dumb zombie scenarios.

After the co workers leave, its just me and zombietank, chilin'. He asks if my peacock tattoo is done and I show it to him, and he says..and yes, I quote " wow..that is so fucking beautiful, I want to cut your flesh off and hang it on my wall". What???? Wait, What? How creepy is that? Who says that? Oh...and then...

He looks at his beer bottle and then looks at his phone, starts pressing a few buttons and says "lookie here..." so I look at his phone and, no lie.. a picture of a penis. He goes "thats my dick". I said.."umm.. ok... good for you?". He continues by stating how its about the size of his bud lite bottle, and then immediately asks if he can come over and watch Human Centipede when I close up shop. I politely refuse, guessing that cockpic was an attempt to entice me into letting him into my home. Needless to say, we went our separate ways.

He gets creepier by the day, I swear.

The Beard Phenomonon

Back when my husband and I were still together, we used the term 'beardy' quite a bit. It then replied to anyone with a beard. Now, the single me, references it to a FANTASTIC beard.

I'm not quite sure when the whole beard thing began. I started looking at online profiles of guys and kept finding myself liking guys with beards, which lead me to believe that I like beards and since I'm such an amazing saleswoman, I sold myself on the idea.

My friends think this is hilarious. We talk about the beards all the time. I don't know how many conversations begin with "so I met the most awesome beardy.." or "god, that beardy turned out to be such an asshole".

Funny things happen, if you get a few drinks in me and put me around someone with a beard. On New Years Eve, for example, I was standing by my friend D and looked across the room..and saw a beardy. Like a really good beardy. Sure the guy was probably just average looking, but he did have a very nice puffy beard. I told D I just had to touch this guys beard..

I walk up to him, and the conversation goes as such:
me: excuse me, sir?
beardy: yeah?
me: I just wanted to tell you that you have an amazing beard.
beardy: oh..well.. thank you.
me: your welcome
he then turns away, and I tap him on the shoulder
me: I was kinda hoping you would let me touch your beard?
beardy: umm..sure.

I win.

about an hour or so later, a girl comes up to me at the bar and says "that bearded guy was looking for you" I said "oh yeah? he seemed pretty annoyed with me" and she replied "no, he was annoyed with us.. I think he actually liked you cause you touched his beard".

Yeah, its all a little strange, and I usually will make a few comments but I don't typically touch a strangers beard unless I've been drinking.. and with the proper permission, of course.

Tiny T Shirt Guys

So I'm noticing a trend that I am not liking as a single lady.

As a woman, I am expected to and do take a certain amount of pride in my appearance. I believe I have an outstanding wardrobe and I KNOW I have a shoe collection to die for. I buy a lot of my finds online, because they tend to be less 'trendy' and more uniquely my style then a lot of what I find in stores. The problem with online shopping? No dressing room. I know my body pretty well, and I have a pretty good idea of what will fit me, and what will look good on my body type and what is just a waste of money for me. I've only had to do a few returns since I started my online shopping, so I'm pretty proud of myself.

There have been 3 guys thus far that I've gone on dates with that I find something strange going on with their shirts. I personally have to have my clothes fit me very well to be comfortable in them, and I would prefer if something doesn't fit 100%, for it to be a little bit, rather then a little small. I would never expect a man to be a fashionista, but why go out ON A DATE and not be dressed your best?

I believe all 3 of these guys are taller then 6 foot, but when your t shirt hits the waist band of your jeans, either size up or don't move your arms. I know that shopping is frustrating, but they make a thing called a dressing room. You may think you know your size, but trust me, you don't. And if you do? Maybe don't put them in the dryer cause your showing too much.

I see little to no point in dressing to the 9's like I do for a man that doesn't even wear clothes that fit. I'm not asking for a shirt and tie, just a t shirt that doesn't expose your belly button when you reach for your drink. Please and thank you.

Fuck, Kiss or...Marry?

This is not about one particular guy, but rather about 3 different types of guys.

Back when I lived in Cincinnati with a few roommates, we would play a game a lot called "fuck kiss or kill", in which we would name 3 people, and you would have to fuck one, kiss one, and kill one. It was an awesomely offensive way to pass the time.

I have separated dating into 3 categories: the ones who want to fuck you, the ones who want to kiss you, and the ones who want to marry you.

The ones who want to fuck you:
These tend to be the kinds of guys I fall for, the bad boys, the ones I actually like, but they just send me random dirty texts at like 3 am and try to booty call me. It seems like when I am with these guys, they like me, I like them, this is more then likely just the ploy, but at the same time, we joke we laugh we have a good time, but when I'm not with them, everything turns to sex. They don't like any kind of serious conversation (unless its about sex) and they are very self centered and everything has to be on there terms.

The ones who want to kiss you:
are far and few between. These are the guys who want to take it easy, get to know you and don't want to rush into anything, and don't wanna love em' and leave em'. I have a feeling they might be out there? But I have yet to run into them.

The ones who want to marry you:
I may be being a little dramatic with the introduction, but I have met 3 guys who have tried to rush me into a relationship, rush me into more then I am ready for. It starts slow, with I wanna see you this day and then that day, and then it builds into I want to see you all the time, I want to do this, I want to do that, come here, come there, meet my kid, be with me be with me be with me. They don't seem to understand I am going through a divorce and I'm not ready to jump into anything super serious. Its because of this I deleted my online dating profile (hey..I live in the Ohio Valley...my options are limited here). I tended to keep meeting people who would just be way too into me too soon. I know that THEIR options are limited too, but honestly? Get to know me before you drop to one knee guys. I don't really like the idea of getting remarried anyway right now, so coming on too strong? major turn off.

When I went shopping for a wedding dress, I tried on over 50 dresses. I wanted to take the bust from dress A and match it with the train from dress B, the hemline of dress C and mix it with the beadwork from dress D. I knew what I wanted and I didn't stop until I got it.. the result? I had the perfect wedding dress..for me. I keep meeting these guys that have bits and pieces of the perfect guy (again, for me) but I know that I can't just stitch them together (horror movie plot?) and create the dream guy. I don't WANT the dream guy right now. But why can't they just be fucking normal??

The One That Got (went) Away

I wanted to always keep this lighthearted and fun, but sometimes dating isn't fun.

Its a simple story. Essentially, I've learned to pick and choose the people I trust very wisely, or at least I thought so. The first person I let myself trust after my separation, was most likely not my smartest choice. The kind of guy you meet that you know can have any girl he wants, and yet he was chasing me.
I protested slightly, but eventually gave in. I knew he was dangerous for someone like me, especially in the fragile state I was in. We went around twice, once splitting because of a confrontation, and the 2nd because he had feelings for someone else.
My friends want to cuss him or scream at him because it did hurt, and sometimes it still does hurt. I don't know what to believe. I know he gave me strength and courage to face this difficult world of dating. He helped me through a lot of insecurities, but part of me still has to wonder what could have, would have been.

Timing can be a bitch sometimes. I am of course leaving out so many crucial details, but what I like to think it comes down to is timing. He wasn't over someone, and I was desperate to get over someone. Notice, I didn't put part one or two or anything, its because I'm hoping this is the only moment of weakness I have in writing about something hurtful instead of something fun, though I know if I keep this up it won't be.

ZombieTank- Part 3

My xmas gift to you... a conversation with ZombieTank via text.

ZT: wtwould a humancentapeid during a zobieapcalips
ME: whoa..what?

(then ZT tries to call)

ME: what part of text rather then call do you not understand?
ZT: ?
ME: why do you call me when I say to text and then call me a bitch on my voicemail?
ZT: inever calledu that. n Never left u a voicemail
ME: uh huh
ZT: can utalk?
ME: by text
ZT: k. why u think i said that?
ME: cause I had a voicemail from u saying "I'm a bitch who doesn't answer my phone" only you and 2 other people called me today and the voicemail is definitely a guys voice, and the other 2 were females.
ZT: was not me4 real Thats someone else4sure. icalled u butleft no message.
ZT: look thats a immature thing2 say (i did not say that.
ME: ok.
ZT: who calledu that?
ME: uhh.. no comment.
ZT: so u gonna answer?
ME: Logically, you called me that.
ZT: cal me?
ME: NO we've been over this buddy.
ZT: ok, well ru mad at me? N i suckat textinG. but i will try, check the date n voice2c who it is.bet is d creep u wrk wt.
ME: no, it was today and I know who called me today
ZT: did u tlk2 d outher2? 2c if someone used there phone?
ME: no but I heard the voicemails they left me.

Fin.

I swear, this is totally how it went down. I'm thinking he mockingly said that I was a bitch and didn't realize my voicemail had picked up. And honest to god... that is how he types.

Creepy McCrybaby - Part 1

You meet all kinds of interesting people working in a bar. Sometimes, you meet a few crazies as well.

One night, 2 guys come into the bar. One is very quiet and the other is very loud and obnoxious. Mr. Obnoxious Pants decides it would be fun to hit on me and he is so over the top its ridiculous. He is very cocky and thinks he can get any girl he wants. So, since his friend is actually pretty cute, I start flirting with him just a little to get the other guy to shut up, and to put him in his place a little. The flirting works and the guy ends up asking for my number. He was a little touchy feely, just when I gave him a hug goodbye, but I knew (since I'm the bartender) that it was probably just an effect from the last Jagerbomb he did (red flag one. he takes the same shot as an underage girl).

Creepy ends up texting me a little bit later and asks if I would like to get together the next day, to which I say yes. No harm in getting to know the guy a little and seeing if there is anything there. He shows up at my house the next day (30 minutes late) and I'm watching Army of Darkness. 9 out of 10 times, in my house there is a movie on and 8 of those times its some form of horror. Now, I do this as a bit of a game when a guy is coming over to see if he can 'hang'. I don't want to break them in with Human Centipede so I usually go more mild, and AOD is soo much more mild and funny then a lot of the fucked up shit I watch. He walks in, and says 'what is this? why aren't we watching the Ohio State game?'... huh? what?? because its my fucking tv..that's why. I decide to be nice and put the game on, and we talk a little bit, I play along and root for Ohio State just because I don't really give a shit.

After a little while, he makes a move- which is harmless so I say ok, put your arm around me or hold my hand or whatever. Other then the tv thing, its going pretty well. We joked, we laughed.. I'm saying to myself that maybe there is a little potential here. But then, he gets hungry..and I'm hungry. he takes me to eat..at Wendy's. Now, I am not this insanely high maintenance person that I need a 4 star restaurant every night, but I am on weight watchers, which makes fast food difficult, and especially when we go there and he doesn't even pay for my food..at Wendy's (red flags 2 and 3... I have no choice where we eat, and he doesn't even pay..at WENDY'S).

This is one of the few Saturday Nights I had to go to work at the bar. Come 7, we part ways and he goes to the mall stating that he may stop by at the bar later to see me. I was ok with this, because I thought the Wendy's thing was fixable if I explained a few things to him.

He shows up about 2 1/2 hours later and sits at the bar, watching me work, drinking beer all night. We talked a little, and he would go out with me on my cigarette breaks. I still thought it was ok. Wasn't great, but still..ok. until about midnight. Thats when shit hit the fan.

I'm outside smoking, and he comes out and sits next to me. We are by ourselves, and he suddenly just starts crying. Out of fucking nowhere, actual crying with tears and all that bullshit. I said "oh my god, whats up?" he said...and I quote.. "you make me so happy.. I am just so happy to be with you". I said "stop. stop it now."

Who the fuck does that? One, you are a 29 year old man CRYING on a first date..a kind of date even cause you didn't even buy me dinner and then you just sat and watched me work all night..which now that I type that, yeah, even creepier.

ZombieTank - Part 2

After my previous blog, a few of my friends asked why I didn't finish the story of the night ZombieTank came to disturbing movie night. Ladies and Gents, the time has come.

Zombie tank is sitting on the couch when a my next guest arrives, and to keep providing the anonymity we all love, I will simply call him D. ZombieTank decides he needs to get D's opinion on the matter of how long you could logically survive in a zombie tank and D is on the same page as I am. A few times we shared a glance and shook our head in disbelief. The next notion ZombieTank has is to get in a submarine, cause he thinks that's logical and fun to do for 5-7 years. At this point, I really can't take anymore. I get up and walk over to my book shelf and all but throw The Zombie Survival Guide at this guys head. He looks at it, thumbs through it, and then sets it on the coffee table. At this point, I am outraged. But I keep my mouth shut to see where this is going because, lets face it..it led to a pretty fun story.

In enters my other friends, S, who immediately says "Dude, I'm sorry I'm late, I lost track of time horseback riding". And I immediately feel bad for S because the only empty seat is right next to ZombieTank so she has to tolerate this. In the meantime, the conversation is --you guessed it-- all about the zombie apocalypse and how a tank is the logical way to get out of this, no matter how many times, D, S, Max Brooks and I prove him wrong.

In hopes of shutting this guy the fuck up, I suggest we pick the movie and watch it. D had brought 2 selections, Salo and Antichrist. S, D and I choose Antichrist, and Zombietank is STILL talking -- more to himself at this point -- about tanks, submarines and zombies and his 'course of action'. He is also oblivious to the many eye rolls thrown in his direction.

If you've never had the pleasure of seeing Antichrist, it begins with a sex scene in which Willem Dafoe's ass is pretty well on display. While S, D, and I laugh over this, ZombieTank is very uncomfortable. He lasts about a half hour maybe and then says "omg.. did you say you were around horses today" and S replies.. "well yeah.." and he says "I'm highly allergic" -after sitting next to her for an hour-- "I'm gonna have to take off", and mad dashes out the door.

I look at S and say "thank you for loving horses".

This story is retold between the 3 of us almost every Sunday night and we laugh a little harder each time.

3 days later....ZombieTank calls apologizing saying how his allergies were acting up so bad and he couldn't take it and had no response when I asked why it took an hour for his allergies to kick in. He then said that 'the ugly dudes ass on your tv freaked me out' to which I respond 'you couldn't have texted all of this?'

ZombieTank - Part 1

So this is a story about a guy I met in a bar one night. I thought he was kind of cute so I gave him my phone number and asked him to text me sometime. Apparently he interpreted that as call me, even though I HATE talking on the phone and receiving phone calls in general since both of my jobs make me be very social while at work. I'd rather just text in general.

The story goes as such: we met on Thursday, dude calls me on Saturday. He talks and talks about how he wants to hang out with me. For some reason, it takes about 3 weeks for us to hang out which I didn't really care about since I'm pretty busy anyways. He told me he wanted to come over and watch a movie on a Sunday night so we made plans, and that day he didn't get back to me for some reason- probably because I was texting him and he doesn't seem to know how to text.. He's like 29 and text illiterate.. red flag number one, right? I made other plans with a few friends and then dude calls me (naturally) saying he still wanted to hang out. I say that's fine, come over and watch a movie and The Walking Dead with my friends and I.

Dude shows up about a half hour early and for some reason, as most of my conversations eventually do, it turns to the zombie apocalypse. Dude is convinced that the best course of action would be to steal a tank and run down zombies. Now, if you know me at all you understand that for some reason, I have very definite opinions on the zombie apocalypse and how it should be dealt with when it happens. Also, I know my shit. I can back up my opinions with facts and figures.. and also this insert was put in so YOU can figure out some of the many issues with the ZombieTank idea. Read as such:

ZT: A tank is obviously the best course of action in the even that the zombies come.
Me: what? why? how?
ZT: because you can put food in there, you have ammo.
Me: and..lack of space for people so way to fly solo, ammo runs out, and also what about gas? gas will be an issue anyways and you are in a tank which will use a lot of gas to get from a to b. You'll run out of gas and possibly be surrounded by zombies, just like the tank in the first episode of The Walking Dead.
ZT: huh?
Me: still think its a good idea?
ZT: yeah.
Me: seriously? why.
ZT: cause its a tank.
Me: ok for reals.. you are a very serious liability in the event of a zombie attack and I don't think we should hang out anymore.

I know its shallow and silly even, but more importantly, dude refused to believe I may be more knowledgeable in a subject then him--even if it is the Zombie Apocalypse. I have plenty of stories about this guy, cause he really can't take a hint and they are too good to just put into this one blog so stay tuned.