ZombieTank- Part 4

So the Zombietank stories keep on commin'.

I kinda stock piled this one for a slow night, and here it is.

One Wednesday, I was working at the bar and guess who showed up? Our favorite, Mr. Zombietank himself. It was me, him and 3 of the guys I work with there, and Zombie Land was on TV (how fitting). For the first 2 hours, he decided to further discuss the idea of a Zombie Tank and how it would definitely be the best idea. Mind you, he is also in NYC in this scenario (you know, where tanks are parked on every corner) and NOW he is saying how he is using this to get out of this city, and that is all. I bring up all the scenarios, and also the fact that he's so concerned with finding a tank in a city he doesn't even live in, or appear to visit very often, he forgets about the surrounding zombie apocalypse, and gets eaten. I think he and the guys I work with are teaming up to piss me off about this issue. I went back over to the bar and watched the movie, trying to block these idiots out with their dumb zombie scenarios.

After the co workers leave, its just me and zombietank, chilin'. He asks if my peacock tattoo is done and I show it to him, and he says..and yes, I quote " wow..that is so fucking beautiful, I want to cut your flesh off and hang it on my wall". What???? Wait, What? How creepy is that? Who says that? Oh...and then...

He looks at his beer bottle and then looks at his phone, starts pressing a few buttons and says "lookie here..." so I look at his phone and, no lie.. a picture of a penis. He goes "thats my dick". I said.."umm.. ok... good for you?". He continues by stating how its about the size of his bud lite bottle, and then immediately asks if he can come over and watch Human Centipede when I close up shop. I politely refuse, guessing that cockpic was an attempt to entice me into letting him into my home. Needless to say, we went our separate ways.

He gets creepier by the day, I swear.

ZombieTank- Part 3

My xmas gift to you... a conversation with ZombieTank via text.

ZT: wtwould a humancentapeid during a zobieapcalips
ME: whoa..what?

(then ZT tries to call)

ME: what part of text rather then call do you not understand?
ZT: ?
ME: why do you call me when I say to text and then call me a bitch on my voicemail?
ZT: inever calledu that. n Never left u a voicemail
ME: uh huh
ZT: can utalk?
ME: by text
ZT: k. why u think i said that?
ME: cause I had a voicemail from u saying "I'm a bitch who doesn't answer my phone" only you and 2 other people called me today and the voicemail is definitely a guys voice, and the other 2 were females.
ZT: was not me4 real Thats someone else4sure. icalled u butleft no message.
ZT: look thats a immature thing2 say (i did not say that.
ME: ok.
ZT: who calledu that?
ME: uhh.. no comment.
ZT: so u gonna answer?
ME: Logically, you called me that.
ZT: cal me?
ME: NO we've been over this buddy.
ZT: ok, well ru mad at me? N i suckat textinG. but i will try, check the date n voice2c who it is.bet is d creep u wrk wt.
ME: no, it was today and I know who called me today
ZT: did u tlk2 d outher2? 2c if someone used there phone?
ME: no but I heard the voicemails they left me.

Fin.

I swear, this is totally how it went down. I'm thinking he mockingly said that I was a bitch and didn't realize my voicemail had picked up. And honest to god... that is how he types.

ZombieTank - Part 2

After my previous blog, a few of my friends asked why I didn't finish the story of the night ZombieTank came to disturbing movie night. Ladies and Gents, the time has come.

Zombie tank is sitting on the couch when a my next guest arrives, and to keep providing the anonymity we all love, I will simply call him D. ZombieTank decides he needs to get D's opinion on the matter of how long you could logically survive in a zombie tank and D is on the same page as I am. A few times we shared a glance and shook our head in disbelief. The next notion ZombieTank has is to get in a submarine, cause he thinks that's logical and fun to do for 5-7 years. At this point, I really can't take anymore. I get up and walk over to my book shelf and all but throw The Zombie Survival Guide at this guys head. He looks at it, thumbs through it, and then sets it on the coffee table. At this point, I am outraged. But I keep my mouth shut to see where this is going because, lets face it..it led to a pretty fun story.

In enters my other friends, S, who immediately says "Dude, I'm sorry I'm late, I lost track of time horseback riding". And I immediately feel bad for S because the only empty seat is right next to ZombieTank so she has to tolerate this. In the meantime, the conversation is --you guessed it-- all about the zombie apocalypse and how a tank is the logical way to get out of this, no matter how many times, D, S, Max Brooks and I prove him wrong.

In hopes of shutting this guy the fuck up, I suggest we pick the movie and watch it. D had brought 2 selections, Salo and Antichrist. S, D and I choose Antichrist, and Zombietank is STILL talking -- more to himself at this point -- about tanks, submarines and zombies and his 'course of action'. He is also oblivious to the many eye rolls thrown in his direction.

If you've never had the pleasure of seeing Antichrist, it begins with a sex scene in which Willem Dafoe's ass is pretty well on display. While S, D, and I laugh over this, ZombieTank is very uncomfortable. He lasts about a half hour maybe and then says "omg.. did you say you were around horses today" and S replies.. "well yeah.." and he says "I'm highly allergic" -after sitting next to her for an hour-- "I'm gonna have to take off", and mad dashes out the door.

I look at S and say "thank you for loving horses".

This story is retold between the 3 of us almost every Sunday night and we laugh a little harder each time.

3 days later....ZombieTank calls apologizing saying how his allergies were acting up so bad and he couldn't take it and had no response when I asked why it took an hour for his allergies to kick in. He then said that 'the ugly dudes ass on your tv freaked me out' to which I respond 'you couldn't have texted all of this?'

ZombieTank - Part 1

So this is a story about a guy I met in a bar one night. I thought he was kind of cute so I gave him my phone number and asked him to text me sometime. Apparently he interpreted that as call me, even though I HATE talking on the phone and receiving phone calls in general since both of my jobs make me be very social while at work. I'd rather just text in general.

The story goes as such: we met on Thursday, dude calls me on Saturday. He talks and talks about how he wants to hang out with me. For some reason, it takes about 3 weeks for us to hang out which I didn't really care about since I'm pretty busy anyways. He told me he wanted to come over and watch a movie on a Sunday night so we made plans, and that day he didn't get back to me for some reason- probably because I was texting him and he doesn't seem to know how to text.. He's like 29 and text illiterate.. red flag number one, right? I made other plans with a few friends and then dude calls me (naturally) saying he still wanted to hang out. I say that's fine, come over and watch a movie and The Walking Dead with my friends and I.

Dude shows up about a half hour early and for some reason, as most of my conversations eventually do, it turns to the zombie apocalypse. Dude is convinced that the best course of action would be to steal a tank and run down zombies. Now, if you know me at all you understand that for some reason, I have very definite opinions on the zombie apocalypse and how it should be dealt with when it happens. Also, I know my shit. I can back up my opinions with facts and figures.. and also this insert was put in so YOU can figure out some of the many issues with the ZombieTank idea. Read as such:

ZT: A tank is obviously the best course of action in the even that the zombies come.
Me: what? why? how?
ZT: because you can put food in there, you have ammo.
Me: and..lack of space for people so way to fly solo, ammo runs out, and also what about gas? gas will be an issue anyways and you are in a tank which will use a lot of gas to get from a to b. You'll run out of gas and possibly be surrounded by zombies, just like the tank in the first episode of The Walking Dead.
ZT: huh?
Me: still think its a good idea?
ZT: yeah.
Me: seriously? why.
ZT: cause its a tank.
Me: ok for reals.. you are a very serious liability in the event of a zombie attack and I don't think we should hang out anymore.

I know its shallow and silly even, but more importantly, dude refused to believe I may be more knowledgeable in a subject then him--even if it is the Zombie Apocalypse. I have plenty of stories about this guy, cause he really can't take a hint and they are too good to just put into this one blog so stay tuned.