Dating in the Digital Age

I haven't blogged in a really long time.  Not for lack of material but more for lack of motivation as well as lack of time to blog with. I'm sitting home on Sunday night bored, and I keep thinking of the things I've said, "wow.. I should blog about that", hence born the Sunday night blog.

Alright so this is more of a pet peeve then anything else when it comes to dating in the modern age.. or should I say.. the digital age?  I was out of the dating scene, thinking I had found endless marital bliss for around 7 years or so and when I reemrged, all be it much hotter then I had been years earlier, I had no idea what to expect. 

So first comes Mr. Marvelous and he and I dated off and on for 7 months and had 2 phone conversations, both around 2 minutes each.  We texted everyday, through out the day.

So then, when Marv and I were in down time, comes the previously written about Star Wars Tattoos (SWT) and I have no idea how long off and on that went.. too long would probably be the most acceptable answer.  He called me 1 time, and played Salt n Peppa's Push It into the phone..and never spoke. 

I know I have complained quite a few times about Zombie Tank and how he ONLY wanted to talk on the phone, I just feel there should be a medium.  You either seem to get these guys who refuse to learn how to text , or only text using the age old male line of "I just hate being on the phone".  I think I have a tendency to want to be in the middle.  Text, cause I'm busy, but set aside some phone time, cause texting seems so impersonal sometimes. 

There is the other issue about text only dating... which if your my mom stop reading now cause shit is about to get inappropriate...

Men think they can text you ANYthing..ANYtime.. My good friend P and I have discussed the inappropriateness of certain pictures coming to our cell phones (and in 1 case a freaking video).  People get shameless- I get that.  But when you leave your phone unattended at your desk, and come back and push a button to check the time and..oh .. hi there.  That happy to speak to..I mean text me?  I even got a montage once.  No.  Twice.  He didn't think I got it the first time.  No honey.. I didn't comment cause I was told if I didn't have anything nice to say then to keep my mouth shut and last I checked calling you trashy wasn't exactly nice. 

Then the world of online dating.  Oh brother.  I'm the first to admit its not the best idea to pick up a guy in a bar, not a great idea to date coworkers..so how does one exactly meet someone single and eligible of the opposite sex?  Well.. online of course.  I am actually banned from the dating site Plenty Of Fish.. I'm not quite sure why but the information sent to me was that I had a complaint filed on me.  True I met SWT there and he and I hated each other frequently and I couldn't help but notice he saw when I recreated my profile, and he quite possibly reported me.. or was it Over-reaction Guy (who I have yet to blog about) bitter that I chose someone else over him?? Or the overly sensitive Mr. Christian-pants saying he was lookin' for a good old fashioned Christian girl and I told him to keep looking?  Who knows.  I just know I'm blacklisted from there permanantly and they warned that IF I create a new account it will automatically get deleted no matter what email I make it under. 

Nice side story, I know.  Mind you, I'm not 100% against online dating.  I just think it can lead to a very vicious cycle.  And also... IF you online date, don't use photoshop unless you are adjusting the lighting, or fixing red eye, or possibly removing a zit.  If you are a 400 lb man with only 1 arm, I'm gonna notice that when I meet you.  We only like to post the most flattering pictures of ourself, I get that.  I mean, put up a few of the best and a few mediocre.  The 'muppet master' met a girl on POF and he said that not only was she annoying and boring (something not as easily conveyed by text as it would have been over the phone, mind you) but she looked NOTHING like her pictures.  How the hell does that happen?  I'm the queen of looking diffrent from day to day, but you'll still see all kinds of pictures of me- with make up, without; in dresses, in sweats.  It goes on...

I swear that sometimes it was easier sitting by the phone waiting for a guy to call or not call.  Because then I had the option.  And I could always hang up on him.  Sure I can delete a text from my phone, but not my memory.  And when you REALLLY REALLY want him to text, you know you check your phone a million times a minute.  I swear, when Marv and I were dating, I have no idea how I got any work done...ever. I sat with my finger posed about the 'reply to text' button on my phone. (that just cries desperation, but hey I was into the guy)

Technology makes meeting, and connecting so much easier.  It just makes me wonder how much we meet the people we WANT to meet or just the ones who are convienent for us to meet.  It makes me wonder how much we really connect when we have to read that someone 'lold' rather then just hear them laugh once in awhile.

Breath of Death

So, this one night I was out at a very crowded bar and I'm not ashamed to say I was quite a few drinks in. What happens when you mix liquer, beer, me, and a cute bearded guy walking by? Thats right..random beard grab.

I'm at the bar waiting on one of my many drinks and this guy comes by with a beard, not really an epic beard but a good enough beard. I just reach over and stroke this guys beard- out of nowhere. We get to talking a little bit, exchange numbers and he leans in to give me a kiss on the cheek, and then it hits me... his breath. Oh dear god his breath.

Ok, I'm being a little dramatic because on that first night, it really wasn't that strong, and for all I knew it could have been anything because I was hammered. Thats why when he texted me at some later point in time and asked me out on a date, I accepted. Physically, his sense of humor, his tastes in music- he was pretty much my type. He was also from the south, which I'd never gone out with a southerner before so I figured it could end up being a fun experience.

False.

He came to pick me up in a dirty truck, about an hour late, and we went to a bar around the corner from my house. Its more of a dive bar (dive TOWN, to be more precise), and we sit and talk for a bit and have a few beers. Its not very loud in the bar so we aren't very close when talking, so it wasn't until after I kicked his ass in a game of pool (naturally) and we went back to my place to watch a movie that he tried to kiss me... and thats when it ACTUALLY did hit me and I had a flash back from the night we met... it wasn't alcohol.. it wasn't a sewer.. that stank was commin' straight from his grill and he was trying to put it in mine. I pulled back and continued to watch the movie, not wanting to be a total dick and be like "homeboy needs a mint". I figured we could pull of 20 more minutes of him and I hanging out, breathing in opposite directions and then I'd pull the whole "its late and I have to work early" line.

 I'm an honest person, but this is one subject I'm not real clear what the etiquette is on approaching this subject, espically on a first date. Could it possibly be this easy? No ... guess a slight taste was not enough because he contiunes to push- he keeps trying to kiss me, and..well.. more even though I'm like 'hey I'm not like that' (usually).. so strike 2, as if the Breath of Death wasn't enough, he's overly pushy about sex. The 20 minutes I was gonna wait to get 'tired'? Turned into 10. I politely excused myself for bed and saw him to the door.

Could I be lucky enough that this is my only encounter with this guy?

Wait and see..

In A Galaxy Far Far Away...(pt 1)

This shit is about to get epic up in there.

This is the long awaited story...of a man.. in a galaxy far far away... with Star Wars Tattoos.

Ok, for real though, he does live like a half hour away but when communication is lacking, and hes kind of a ho' it really does feel like its a galaxy far far away and sometimes the only thing that can pull you away is the force.

Soon after splitting with my husband, I decided to enter the world of online dating. Plentyoffish.com- and this is not a recommendation, which we will find out later why. I see this guy with a beautiful full beard and in his online profile it says that all the tattoos on his right arm are Star Wars Oriented. Ok, so if we know me, we know I love beards, Star Wars, and tattoos, so I very quickly mark him as a 'favorite' which prompts him to send me a message.. and then his phone number. Which leads to us texting for a few hours... and meeting the next day.

Again, if we know me, we know I move fast from time to time. And the Star Wars Tattoos and I did move very fast- 'nuff said, right? We don't need all the gory details, but I felt a pretty decent connection with this guy right off the bat. I even went up the next weekend and hung out with him, Saturday night into Sunday. I noticed a funny thing he kept saying after most conversations we had. He would mention a girls name, tell a story and then inevitably say "and then I fucked her". umm.. what? So your trying to get to know me, possibly date me, and you want to tell me about all these girls you slept with.

So on my way home Sunday, he and I were texting a little bit and I said "you don't really seem like a one woman kind of guy" and he goes into a very long explanation of how yes he slept with these girls and that if it was something bad he wouldn't have told me about it, how he would have tried to hide it.

This Star Wars saga has more then 6 tales to it, unfortunately, so I will have to tell them slowly, bit by bit. I wanted to just start off with a little taste to show you what we are up against here. Look forward to many more, and much better stories about this one to come in the near future.

Happy Valentines Day, Loser!

Isn't it customary for a single person to complain about being single on Valentines Day?

Here is my custom then.

I actually got way too involved in everything else in my life to really think about the Hallmark Holiday today. I've been sick for almost 2 weeks, so I was at the Doctors Office today. I invested my energy otherwise in quitting smoking and getting prescriptions and catching up with a friend rather then dwelling on the fact that I had to feel good or bad about today.

The only thing that really occurred to me was the fact that its just a normal day to me and there was nothing special about it. D and I had this amazing evening planned where we got trashed and made fun of couples but I am neither in the health or have the funding to do this, so it really is just a normal Tuesday, other then the fact that my health sucks and Human Centipede 2 came out on DVD. I didn't get flowers today, but I never get flowers. I didn't get a card today, but I don't usually get cards. I didn't get candy today, but my mom bought me candy this past weekend since I was sick. For the first time, other then the annoying Facebook posts about what day it was, it was just a normal fucking day. For some reason, I found this amazing.

I have to say, a few things did cross my mind and maybe they always do and I just acknowledged them more due to the date. I recall getting flowers for Valentines Day, back when I had a someone special. I recall getting my heart broken several, several times in the past few weeks, months, years, and how each one of them felt, painful but completely different every time. I recall the single Valentines days of the past and how I wanted nothing more then to not be alone, and the fact that today I didn't really mind it quite so much because I have people who care about me, even if they aren't a boyfriend or a husband.

I know, we get a little serious, we get a little cheesy and I do plan to follow this up with a more lighthearted blog about a douche lord I dated, but for now I will just rejoice in the fact that its Valentines Day, I'm single and I don't want to kill myself.

Men In Song

One day at work, I said to my friend and coworker "Yeah I'm not sure how its going with him. I never do. Dude is like a fucking Katy Perry song- hot and cold." Since this day, not only have I cursed Katy Perry every time I hear her on the radio, but I find myself constantly making comparisons from men to recording artists that sum up best the way they act.

The man that makes me curse Katy Perry day in and day out is no longer a factor (blog coming soon). But there are plenty more. It starts as just one song, and then you find more that just describe you you feel, how they feel, or how they are making you feel @ that point in time. We have Katy Perry and Wilco for starters.

Wilco came about from no other conclusion then me thinking that someone is trying to break my heart- no, I'm not going into sob story mode here. I just think its an adequate description.

This is a theory I plan to put out there from time to time, and I'll connect the dots one by one.

One thing I do know is this crazy little thing called dating is rougher then I could have ever expected.

ZombieTank- Part 4

So the Zombietank stories keep on commin'.

I kinda stock piled this one for a slow night, and here it is.

One Wednesday, I was working at the bar and guess who showed up? Our favorite, Mr. Zombietank himself. It was me, him and 3 of the guys I work with there, and Zombie Land was on TV (how fitting). For the first 2 hours, he decided to further discuss the idea of a Zombie Tank and how it would definitely be the best idea. Mind you, he is also in NYC in this scenario (you know, where tanks are parked on every corner) and NOW he is saying how he is using this to get out of this city, and that is all. I bring up all the scenarios, and also the fact that he's so concerned with finding a tank in a city he doesn't even live in, or appear to visit very often, he forgets about the surrounding zombie apocalypse, and gets eaten. I think he and the guys I work with are teaming up to piss me off about this issue. I went back over to the bar and watched the movie, trying to block these idiots out with their dumb zombie scenarios.

After the co workers leave, its just me and zombietank, chilin'. He asks if my peacock tattoo is done and I show it to him, and he says..and yes, I quote " wow..that is so fucking beautiful, I want to cut your flesh off and hang it on my wall". What???? Wait, What? How creepy is that? Who says that? Oh...and then...

He looks at his beer bottle and then looks at his phone, starts pressing a few buttons and says "lookie here..." so I look at his phone and, no lie.. a picture of a penis. He goes "thats my dick". I said.."umm.. ok... good for you?". He continues by stating how its about the size of his bud lite bottle, and then immediately asks if he can come over and watch Human Centipede when I close up shop. I politely refuse, guessing that cockpic was an attempt to entice me into letting him into my home. Needless to say, we went our separate ways.

He gets creepier by the day, I swear.

The Beard Phenomonon

Back when my husband and I were still together, we used the term 'beardy' quite a bit. It then replied to anyone with a beard. Now, the single me, references it to a FANTASTIC beard.

I'm not quite sure when the whole beard thing began. I started looking at online profiles of guys and kept finding myself liking guys with beards, which lead me to believe that I like beards and since I'm such an amazing saleswoman, I sold myself on the idea.

My friends think this is hilarious. We talk about the beards all the time. I don't know how many conversations begin with "so I met the most awesome beardy.." or "god, that beardy turned out to be such an asshole".

Funny things happen, if you get a few drinks in me and put me around someone with a beard. On New Years Eve, for example, I was standing by my friend D and looked across the room..and saw a beardy. Like a really good beardy. Sure the guy was probably just average looking, but he did have a very nice puffy beard. I told D I just had to touch this guys beard..

I walk up to him, and the conversation goes as such:
me: excuse me, sir?
beardy: yeah?
me: I just wanted to tell you that you have an amazing beard.
beardy: oh..well.. thank you.
me: your welcome
he then turns away, and I tap him on the shoulder
me: I was kinda hoping you would let me touch your beard?
beardy: umm..sure.

I win.

about an hour or so later, a girl comes up to me at the bar and says "that bearded guy was looking for you" I said "oh yeah? he seemed pretty annoyed with me" and she replied "no, he was annoyed with us.. I think he actually liked you cause you touched his beard".

Yeah, its all a little strange, and I usually will make a few comments but I don't typically touch a strangers beard unless I've been drinking.. and with the proper permission, of course.

Tiny T Shirt Guys

So I'm noticing a trend that I am not liking as a single lady.

As a woman, I am expected to and do take a certain amount of pride in my appearance. I believe I have an outstanding wardrobe and I KNOW I have a shoe collection to die for. I buy a lot of my finds online, because they tend to be less 'trendy' and more uniquely my style then a lot of what I find in stores. The problem with online shopping? No dressing room. I know my body pretty well, and I have a pretty good idea of what will fit me, and what will look good on my body type and what is just a waste of money for me. I've only had to do a few returns since I started my online shopping, so I'm pretty proud of myself.

There have been 3 guys thus far that I've gone on dates with that I find something strange going on with their shirts. I personally have to have my clothes fit me very well to be comfortable in them, and I would prefer if something doesn't fit 100%, for it to be a little bit, rather then a little small. I would never expect a man to be a fashionista, but why go out ON A DATE and not be dressed your best?

I believe all 3 of these guys are taller then 6 foot, but when your t shirt hits the waist band of your jeans, either size up or don't move your arms. I know that shopping is frustrating, but they make a thing called a dressing room. You may think you know your size, but trust me, you don't. And if you do? Maybe don't put them in the dryer cause your showing too much.

I see little to no point in dressing to the 9's like I do for a man that doesn't even wear clothes that fit. I'm not asking for a shirt and tie, just a t shirt that doesn't expose your belly button when you reach for your drink. Please and thank you.