So, today has me reflecting quite a bit- technically, the past few days have me reflecting. More than ever.
I should backtrack about a month and a half, to when something amazing and wonderful- and, clearly, unexpected happened. My bitter, cynical ass actually had a good date. An amazing date..my first date with my new boyfriend. Yes, I am coupled or 'booed up', as a coworker of mine likes to put it.
I was at a pissed off place where everyone I was meeting was incredibly dull..thank you, online dating. I had pretty much decided to give up for awhile and had noticed a guy I had talked to a few times visited my profile, so I sent a random message bashing online dating to him and he responded..and text..and dates...and awesomeness.
Enter...The Protector..aka Mr Wonderful, aka Winky (mind out of the gutter-he winks at me..in an adorable, non creepy way). There are so many ways for people to connect...emotionally, physically, mentally, intellectually..and when you hit all of those marks with someone, it is such an amazing and beautiful thing..but now I'm just gushing, so back to the task at hand.
My mind was weighed down by a failure from my past for quite awhile- a failure that ended 1 year ago today. I've mentioned this briefly, with 'the one who got (went) away', but it was just too painful to go into detail about,
and still is to a degree.
I fell way too hard for the first guy that I started to see after my split with the ex husband- I never considered it a 'rebound', but maybe he did. It was an off and on again (then off...then on...then off...then on) 'romance' that, in hindsight, I've always wondered how much of it was real, and how much of it was fabricated in my head at the time. I have come to realize from more then just MY personal experience, that said person (Mister Marvelous aka Marv) is really just a bad person. That I was a strong woman in a delicate place, and regardless of the feels, if they were real or fake on either side, and he quite possibly was just taking advantage, or building his ego.
A year ago, he sent me a text hoping to end it all with me, and I refused to be dismissed by text yet again from him. I said that if he wanted to end it, he had to man up and do it in person- that I at least deserved that much respect. On St. Patty's Day he did. He has continued to be in my life, in a much more minor way but I always pined, and always wondered about what could have been...until recently.
The day, the moment escapes me. But one day, I woke up..and then I woke up. I painfully replayed the events of this entire 'relationship'(very loosely using that word here) and realized that he is a very, very bad person. And that I was treated very poorly. I've learned from my past and I never want to play the role of the victim. With most break ups, I have the mindset of 'it just didn't work out'. This is entirely different and maybe one day ill be ready to let loose a little bit more ..but for now I just realize the fact that I was done wrong and I have to stop beating myself up over the fact that I fell very hard for someone who was very, very bad to me and is just kind of a shitty human being.
So. A year ago today, I was in a very dark, sad place. I was actually numb for a few days, and probably drunk on sprite and hypnotic (it was a phase) and today, I woke up next to a very wonderful, Caring loving man who wants to be My Protector . Someone who, I never have to question his feelings or play the silly head games that Marv was throwing my way. Someone who accepts me as I am, with my past with my flaws, my faults, my talents, my sarcastic charm. I realize how lucky I am that I can have this, and that I can let go of the bullshit and the lies of my past and just really BE with someone.
And, not to gush again, I realize how insanely happy he makes me and how you can be as marvelous as you think you are, but sometimes, all a lady wants is to feel protected..and being protected can be such a wonderful thing
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