Fuck, Kiss or...Marry?

This is not about one particular guy, but rather about 3 different types of guys.

Back when I lived in Cincinnati with a few roommates, we would play a game a lot called "fuck kiss or kill", in which we would name 3 people, and you would have to fuck one, kiss one, and kill one. It was an awesomely offensive way to pass the time.

I have separated dating into 3 categories: the ones who want to fuck you, the ones who want to kiss you, and the ones who want to marry you.

The ones who want to fuck you:
These tend to be the kinds of guys I fall for, the bad boys, the ones I actually like, but they just send me random dirty texts at like 3 am and try to booty call me. It seems like when I am with these guys, they like me, I like them, this is more then likely just the ploy, but at the same time, we joke we laugh we have a good time, but when I'm not with them, everything turns to sex. They don't like any kind of serious conversation (unless its about sex) and they are very self centered and everything has to be on there terms.

The ones who want to kiss you:
are far and few between. These are the guys who want to take it easy, get to know you and don't want to rush into anything, and don't wanna love em' and leave em'. I have a feeling they might be out there? But I have yet to run into them.

The ones who want to marry you:
I may be being a little dramatic with the introduction, but I have met 3 guys who have tried to rush me into a relationship, rush me into more then I am ready for. It starts slow, with I wanna see you this day and then that day, and then it builds into I want to see you all the time, I want to do this, I want to do that, come here, come there, meet my kid, be with me be with me be with me. They don't seem to understand I am going through a divorce and I'm not ready to jump into anything super serious. Its because of this I deleted my online dating profile (hey..I live in the Ohio Valley...my options are limited here). I tended to keep meeting people who would just be way too into me too soon. I know that THEIR options are limited too, but honestly? Get to know me before you drop to one knee guys. I don't really like the idea of getting remarried anyway right now, so coming on too strong? major turn off.

When I went shopping for a wedding dress, I tried on over 50 dresses. I wanted to take the bust from dress A and match it with the train from dress B, the hemline of dress C and mix it with the beadwork from dress D. I knew what I wanted and I didn't stop until I got it.. the result? I had the perfect wedding dress..for me. I keep meeting these guys that have bits and pieces of the perfect guy (again, for me) but I know that I can't just stitch them together (horror movie plot?) and create the dream guy. I don't WANT the dream guy right now. But why can't they just be fucking normal??

The One That Got (went) Away

I wanted to always keep this lighthearted and fun, but sometimes dating isn't fun.

Its a simple story. Essentially, I've learned to pick and choose the people I trust very wisely, or at least I thought so. The first person I let myself trust after my separation, was most likely not my smartest choice. The kind of guy you meet that you know can have any girl he wants, and yet he was chasing me.
I protested slightly, but eventually gave in. I knew he was dangerous for someone like me, especially in the fragile state I was in. We went around twice, once splitting because of a confrontation, and the 2nd because he had feelings for someone else.
My friends want to cuss him or scream at him because it did hurt, and sometimes it still does hurt. I don't know what to believe. I know he gave me strength and courage to face this difficult world of dating. He helped me through a lot of insecurities, but part of me still has to wonder what could have, would have been.

Timing can be a bitch sometimes. I am of course leaving out so many crucial details, but what I like to think it comes down to is timing. He wasn't over someone, and I was desperate to get over someone. Notice, I didn't put part one or two or anything, its because I'm hoping this is the only moment of weakness I have in writing about something hurtful instead of something fun, though I know if I keep this up it won't be.

ZombieTank- Part 3

My xmas gift to you... a conversation with ZombieTank via text.

ZT: wtwould a humancentapeid during a zobieapcalips
ME: whoa..what?

(then ZT tries to call)

ME: what part of text rather then call do you not understand?
ZT: ?
ME: why do you call me when I say to text and then call me a bitch on my voicemail?
ZT: inever calledu that. n Never left u a voicemail
ME: uh huh
ZT: can utalk?
ME: by text
ZT: k. why u think i said that?
ME: cause I had a voicemail from u saying "I'm a bitch who doesn't answer my phone" only you and 2 other people called me today and the voicemail is definitely a guys voice, and the other 2 were females.
ZT: was not me4 real Thats someone else4sure. icalled u butleft no message.
ZT: look thats a immature thing2 say (i did not say that.
ME: ok.
ZT: who calledu that?
ME: uhh.. no comment.
ZT: so u gonna answer?
ME: Logically, you called me that.
ZT: cal me?
ME: NO we've been over this buddy.
ZT: ok, well ru mad at me? N i suckat textinG. but i will try, check the date n voice2c who it is.bet is d creep u wrk wt.
ME: no, it was today and I know who called me today
ZT: did u tlk2 d outher2? 2c if someone used there phone?
ME: no but I heard the voicemails they left me.

Fin.

I swear, this is totally how it went down. I'm thinking he mockingly said that I was a bitch and didn't realize my voicemail had picked up. And honest to god... that is how he types.

Creepy McCrybaby - Part 1

You meet all kinds of interesting people working in a bar. Sometimes, you meet a few crazies as well.

One night, 2 guys come into the bar. One is very quiet and the other is very loud and obnoxious. Mr. Obnoxious Pants decides it would be fun to hit on me and he is so over the top its ridiculous. He is very cocky and thinks he can get any girl he wants. So, since his friend is actually pretty cute, I start flirting with him just a little to get the other guy to shut up, and to put him in his place a little. The flirting works and the guy ends up asking for my number. He was a little touchy feely, just when I gave him a hug goodbye, but I knew (since I'm the bartender) that it was probably just an effect from the last Jagerbomb he did (red flag one. he takes the same shot as an underage girl).

Creepy ends up texting me a little bit later and asks if I would like to get together the next day, to which I say yes. No harm in getting to know the guy a little and seeing if there is anything there. He shows up at my house the next day (30 minutes late) and I'm watching Army of Darkness. 9 out of 10 times, in my house there is a movie on and 8 of those times its some form of horror. Now, I do this as a bit of a game when a guy is coming over to see if he can 'hang'. I don't want to break them in with Human Centipede so I usually go more mild, and AOD is soo much more mild and funny then a lot of the fucked up shit I watch. He walks in, and says 'what is this? why aren't we watching the Ohio State game?'... huh? what?? because its my fucking tv..that's why. I decide to be nice and put the game on, and we talk a little bit, I play along and root for Ohio State just because I don't really give a shit.

After a little while, he makes a move- which is harmless so I say ok, put your arm around me or hold my hand or whatever. Other then the tv thing, its going pretty well. We joked, we laughed.. I'm saying to myself that maybe there is a little potential here. But then, he gets hungry..and I'm hungry. he takes me to eat..at Wendy's. Now, I am not this insanely high maintenance person that I need a 4 star restaurant every night, but I am on weight watchers, which makes fast food difficult, and especially when we go there and he doesn't even pay for my food..at Wendy's (red flags 2 and 3... I have no choice where we eat, and he doesn't even pay..at WENDY'S).

This is one of the few Saturday Nights I had to go to work at the bar. Come 7, we part ways and he goes to the mall stating that he may stop by at the bar later to see me. I was ok with this, because I thought the Wendy's thing was fixable if I explained a few things to him.

He shows up about 2 1/2 hours later and sits at the bar, watching me work, drinking beer all night. We talked a little, and he would go out with me on my cigarette breaks. I still thought it was ok. Wasn't great, but still..ok. until about midnight. Thats when shit hit the fan.

I'm outside smoking, and he comes out and sits next to me. We are by ourselves, and he suddenly just starts crying. Out of fucking nowhere, actual crying with tears and all that bullshit. I said "oh my god, whats up?" he said...and I quote.. "you make me so happy.. I am just so happy to be with you". I said "stop. stop it now."

Who the fuck does that? One, you are a 29 year old man CRYING on a first date..a kind of date even cause you didn't even buy me dinner and then you just sat and watched me work all night..which now that I type that, yeah, even creepier.

ZombieTank - Part 2

After my previous blog, a few of my friends asked why I didn't finish the story of the night ZombieTank came to disturbing movie night. Ladies and Gents, the time has come.

Zombie tank is sitting on the couch when a my next guest arrives, and to keep providing the anonymity we all love, I will simply call him D. ZombieTank decides he needs to get D's opinion on the matter of how long you could logically survive in a zombie tank and D is on the same page as I am. A few times we shared a glance and shook our head in disbelief. The next notion ZombieTank has is to get in a submarine, cause he thinks that's logical and fun to do for 5-7 years. At this point, I really can't take anymore. I get up and walk over to my book shelf and all but throw The Zombie Survival Guide at this guys head. He looks at it, thumbs through it, and then sets it on the coffee table. At this point, I am outraged. But I keep my mouth shut to see where this is going because, lets face it..it led to a pretty fun story.

In enters my other friends, S, who immediately says "Dude, I'm sorry I'm late, I lost track of time horseback riding". And I immediately feel bad for S because the only empty seat is right next to ZombieTank so she has to tolerate this. In the meantime, the conversation is --you guessed it-- all about the zombie apocalypse and how a tank is the logical way to get out of this, no matter how many times, D, S, Max Brooks and I prove him wrong.

In hopes of shutting this guy the fuck up, I suggest we pick the movie and watch it. D had brought 2 selections, Salo and Antichrist. S, D and I choose Antichrist, and Zombietank is STILL talking -- more to himself at this point -- about tanks, submarines and zombies and his 'course of action'. He is also oblivious to the many eye rolls thrown in his direction.

If you've never had the pleasure of seeing Antichrist, it begins with a sex scene in which Willem Dafoe's ass is pretty well on display. While S, D, and I laugh over this, ZombieTank is very uncomfortable. He lasts about a half hour maybe and then says "omg.. did you say you were around horses today" and S replies.. "well yeah.." and he says "I'm highly allergic" -after sitting next to her for an hour-- "I'm gonna have to take off", and mad dashes out the door.

I look at S and say "thank you for loving horses".

This story is retold between the 3 of us almost every Sunday night and we laugh a little harder each time.

3 days later....ZombieTank calls apologizing saying how his allergies were acting up so bad and he couldn't take it and had no response when I asked why it took an hour for his allergies to kick in. He then said that 'the ugly dudes ass on your tv freaked me out' to which I respond 'you couldn't have texted all of this?'

ZombieTank - Part 1

So this is a story about a guy I met in a bar one night. I thought he was kind of cute so I gave him my phone number and asked him to text me sometime. Apparently he interpreted that as call me, even though I HATE talking on the phone and receiving phone calls in general since both of my jobs make me be very social while at work. I'd rather just text in general.

The story goes as such: we met on Thursday, dude calls me on Saturday. He talks and talks about how he wants to hang out with me. For some reason, it takes about 3 weeks for us to hang out which I didn't really care about since I'm pretty busy anyways. He told me he wanted to come over and watch a movie on a Sunday night so we made plans, and that day he didn't get back to me for some reason- probably because I was texting him and he doesn't seem to know how to text.. He's like 29 and text illiterate.. red flag number one, right? I made other plans with a few friends and then dude calls me (naturally) saying he still wanted to hang out. I say that's fine, come over and watch a movie and The Walking Dead with my friends and I.

Dude shows up about a half hour early and for some reason, as most of my conversations eventually do, it turns to the zombie apocalypse. Dude is convinced that the best course of action would be to steal a tank and run down zombies. Now, if you know me at all you understand that for some reason, I have very definite opinions on the zombie apocalypse and how it should be dealt with when it happens. Also, I know my shit. I can back up my opinions with facts and figures.. and also this insert was put in so YOU can figure out some of the many issues with the ZombieTank idea. Read as such:

ZT: A tank is obviously the best course of action in the even that the zombies come.
Me: what? why? how?
ZT: because you can put food in there, you have ammo.
Me: and..lack of space for people so way to fly solo, ammo runs out, and also what about gas? gas will be an issue anyways and you are in a tank which will use a lot of gas to get from a to b. You'll run out of gas and possibly be surrounded by zombies, just like the tank in the first episode of The Walking Dead.
ZT: huh?
Me: still think its a good idea?
ZT: yeah.
Me: seriously? why.
ZT: cause its a tank.
Me: ok for reals.. you are a very serious liability in the event of a zombie attack and I don't think we should hang out anymore.

I know its shallow and silly even, but more importantly, dude refused to believe I may be more knowledgeable in a subject then him--even if it is the Zombie Apocalypse. I have plenty of stories about this guy, cause he really can't take a hint and they are too good to just put into this one blog so stay tuned.

Introduction Course

Since applying myself back to this meat market we call dating, I have had hilarious incidents. Some, not appropriate for all viewers and all good for a bad day in learning the lessons of where we go wrong. This is not your Grandma's blog, ladies and gents.

As some of you know, and all of you should if you read my other blog, my husband and I are recently separated and filing for divorce. I'm an impatient person so I already have been dating, and seeing people, meeting people and talking to people. I must have forgotten what this was really like because a small part of me was looking forward to dating, just a tiny amount. Or maybe its just different at 29.

I'm going to try not to get to serious, to piss and moan about broken hearts or bumps and bruises along the way. I try to look at the humor in these situations. I make jokes to my friends about how I could make money off of a blog about my dating life because the stories are so fucking ridiculous. So I figured I should do this now, lest I put it off too long. I'm not looking to make money, I just love retelling these stories because I've learned a lot in a very short time - especially how to laugh at the little things that happen in life, and save the tears for the real heart breaks.